For me, the struggle to follow Jesus does not originate in unbelief. I have seen enough to know there is a God who knows my name.
If I’m honest, the war usually rages about something that I want that God doesn’t want for me. And in that respect, I’m not all that different than my 3 year old. I want what I want when I want it. I hate the word no.
Following Jesus comes down to a battle of wills.
The thing is, I already gave my life to God. I pray almost daily that He will show me what He wants for me. It’s just ironic that when He does, sometimes I get just as pouty/upset/angry as one of my boys.
Recently I got my hopes about something and it became so huge that it started to blind me to all of the things I have been given and better things that God might want to give.
But God said no.
I got sick; I felt depressed.
Inside I knew that I was wrestling with the Lord, and that I’m more similar to the 5 year old version of myself than I would care to admit.
“… do you think Scripture says without reason that he jealously longs for the spirit he has caused to dwell in us?”
He is jealous.
But when I least expected it God gave me more grace. I deserved discipline, but He reached out to me in love. He gave me something better. A new direction. Hope.
He showed me that I haven’t been left behind, but that I’m right where He wants me to be. That I’m worth more than my bad choices, and more than the sum of what I can do in the future.
He is good. He really is.